Dear Confused, 

Both of you wear your dresses...just not at the same time..how is that??

Vickie Collins

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Alice in Tupelo

Dear Alice, 

If you can't find any in your home town, one thing you might do is check out the web businesses available. One in particular is DesignHers. They have lots of stuff for different sizes and at fair prices as well.

Vickie Collins

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Dear Vickie, 

I have been married many years to a fine man and we have 3 children. He recently came to me and told me he was into crossdressing. I have been in a state of shock since. 

I'm so glad I ran into your column on your new site. I need to ask your advice. 

I love this man. I don't want our marriage to end and I've told him that but I don't know what to do now. Do we need to go to some kind of therapy? Should we both sit down and tell the kids? (They are 12, 14 and 15) Should I tell my friends and our family or is this now "our" secret instead of his? 

I've learned a lot from reading your letters and responses, but I still have so many questions. 

Opal, New York

Dear Opal, 

Let me first say that I want to tell you that you are showing an admirable effort to understand and come to terms with this new development in your life. The development of course is that you are now aware of something your husband has been doing for quite a while. He is now coming to accept this action as part of him and feels confident enough to tell you about it. He must feel that you are very understanding and that you are a person he can confide in. I see that as a great compliment to you. 

Now as to whether you and he need to see a counselor. That decision has to be based on how the two of you feel. Do you see this situation as a problem? Do you feel that it is a potential danger to your relationship? If so, tell him honestly, that you are having some concerns and feel a counselor is the way to go. Or perhaps, he is the one still struggling with it. In which case he should go with or without you. 

As for telling your children, only the two of you can make that determination. Some things to base the decision on are 1. how mature are your children for their age? 2. How much or little do they know about crossdressing and transgenderism? 3. What are their friends like? Obviously if they would, for example, not have a problem personally but have friends that would, the solution might be to tell them but advice they not tell their friends. 

I say all this to point out that there are so many possibilities depending on the particular situation you are in, dealing with the personalities of all involved. 

I am sure, based on your letter, you and your husband can work this out. I am sure your husband and yourself are ready to work through whatever difficulties you may be having. You, in view have proved yourself willing to start the process by writing me in an attempt to find out more information so that you can come to terms with the situation.. You might also try checking out such web sites as Tgforum and Tgguide and possibly even a chat room at http://www.tggallery.com. The latter has a chat room for spouses. These are resources where you might meet others to whom you could talk and share experiences and learn that you are not alone. 

I do care, and am certainly honored that you saw fit to write to me. I am glad that my column has been of assistance. That is what I am here for, hoping to teach and help. Please, please feel free to write again and know that my HEART is with both you and your husband as you move forward. 

Vickie Collins

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